By: Anna Kittrell
‘Twas the night before Christmas, alone in the house
Mrs. Claus waits for Santa—that two-timing louse
She’d found the black stockings no good girl would wear
Proof that St. Nick had a naughty affair
She’d cooked and she’d cleaned, and each day made the bed
She’d knitted that cap he wore on his bald head!
She’d served him warm cookies and cold milk on tap
Yet, no gift he’d left for his wife to unwrap
Mrs. Claus gave a smile that could cause bones to clatter
Santa would pay for those dreams he’d let shatter
He’d treated her feelings like unwanted trash
His love was as fake as Monopoly cash
Now tables were turning, and soon he would know
Her scrimshaw doll, Rosa, wrapped up with a bow
Tucked away in his toy sack, but soon to appear
Her unholy presence would spook the reindeer
For a brittle antique, she moved eerily quick
It would take her but moments to pummel St. Nick
She’d easily beat the elf at his own game
Betrayal was Rosa the Doll’s middle name
By now he’d regret hooking up with that vixen!
When Rosa was done, he’d be way beyond fixin’!
No way to escape the sheer wrath of that doll
She only hoped children would not see him fall
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky
So all through her mind thoughts of Santa Claus flew
His sleigh full of toys, and the scrimshaw doll too
Then with sudden inkling, she needed more proof
If he wasn’t cheating—she’d made a huge goof
But now it was too late to turn things around
She cringed as she pictured his sleigh tumble down
Tears sprang to her eyes, and with sobs her chest shook
What she wouldn’t give to have just one last look
Was that footsteps she heard on the roof of their shack?
Had Santa escaped and somehow made it back?
His eyes—how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His kissable lips were drawn up like a bow
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow
He winked, and his smile showed a flash of white teeth
With his gloved hand he led her ‘neath the mistletoe wreath
A warmth like fresh gingerbread spread through her belly
The look in his eyes turned her insides to jelly
Had the scrimshaw doll spared the jolly old elf?
It had to be true—she could see for herself
He tipped her chin upward and lowered his head
His kiss told her that she had nothing to dread
There could be just one reason that curse didn’t work
Santa must have been faithful—not a two-timing jerk
“Hurry up, darling, get out of those clothes
I simply must see you in those fishnet hose”
She changed in the bedroom, and he gave a whistle
They flew to the bed like the down of a thistle
Mrs. Claus smiled, enraptured, as Nick got it right
Betrayed, Rosa seethed in the toy sack all night…
Happy Holidays!
To learn more about Rosa the Scrimshaw Doll, download my book, Skinbound. On sale for just .99 cents!
Click book cover for buy link.
Kathy L Wheeler said:
Holy crap! That is the funniest thing I’ve read in ages. Good job, Anna.
Anna Kittrell said:
Ho–ho–ho–So glad you liked it, Kathy! That’ll get you on the nice list, for sure! 🙂
Kathy L Wheeler said:
I sincerely hope so. I have been very very very very NICE this year….
Anna Kittrell said:
I have no doubt about that, Kathy 😉
Alicia Dean said:
OMG…hahaha. That is freakin’ funny…you are so talented! Love it!!!
Ashantay Peters said:
Haven’t stopped laughing yet – great take on the poem! Now I’ve got to read the books –
Anna Kittrell said:
Thank you, Alicia and Ashantay! I’m glad it made you giggle. I love writing poetry, and I love the Scrimshaw Doll series–so in my twisted mind, merging the two seemed logical. I’ll be glad to keep it up an extra week, Alicia, if you want to skip your turn. For my own selfish reasons, of course. lol
Alicia Dean said:
I would actually LOVE to skip my turn. I have more blog posts and other projects going on right now than Rosa can shake a curse at. 🙂 I vote for keeping it up an extra week!
Anna Kittrell said:
Yay! Rosa thanks you. She says you would have found her beneath your tree Christmas morning, had you said no.
Alicia Dean said:
Can I retract my offer then? Because I would love to find Rosa beneath my tree. (You forgot you were talking to Creepy McCreepsterton)
Anna Kittrell said:
Okay, I finally reached her. Rosa has to make an appearance at a Cheaters Anonymous meeting Christmas eve–she said she’s the “entertainment,” whatever that means–but she’ll squeeze you in after. She said to tell you she’ll see you under the tree. 😉
Callie Hutton (@Calliehutton) said:
That was super cute, Anna. Loved it.
Anna Kittrell said:
Thank you, Callie! I thought it was a fun way to kick of the holidays. Hope the foot is mending well, btw.
DeNise said:
Gosh, that was fun. Thanks I love the creepy foreshadowing.
I bet that doll has lots of stops.
Anna Kittrell said:
I am thrilled you like it, DeNise! Thanks.
Diane Burton said:
So funny! Santa always knows what good little girls want. 🙂
Anna Kittrell said:
lol, Diane! True-dat!
Linda Basinger said:
What a fresh take, and SO entertaining. Thanks for sharing. Linda
Anna Kittrell said:
Thanks, Linda! I would LOVE to see what kind of scrimshaw tale you would come up with. I know it would be fabulous. I wish you would join us!
Ann Aarons said:
Great job, Anna!!!
Anna Kittrell said:
Thank you, Ann 😀
Calisa Rhose said:
That’s freakin hilarious, Anna! Thanks for a giggle! 🙂 I’m telling everyone about this (not that I don’t always).
Anna Kittrell said:
Awww! Thanks, Calisa 🙂 Giggles are my favorite.
Heidi Vanlandingham said:
I am bowing in hommage to your wonderful and vast talent! The poem is fantastic, Anna. If you don’t take Alicia’s week, then you can definitely take mine. I would love to read more.
Anna Kittrell said:
Thanks Heidi! It was a blast to write. I’m going to leave it up another week. I hadn’t thought about writing a continuation….but that is an idea…
Lilly Gayle said:
OMG! You are a true master of poetry! Poe would be so proud. 🙂 And your book sounds like a must read!
Anna Kittrell said:
Thank you Lilly! I’m blushing–in a GOOD way. This was way too much fun. I hope you enjoy my book, it was a lot of fun to write too–especially the evil twin sister, Scarlett :O
tamriefoxtail said:
Anna, you’re a riot! I’m sending this to everyone.
Anna Kittrell said:
Thanks Tamrie! Thanks Jess! 🙂 Love you ladies.
jess said:
Hear! Hear! to what everyone else said. 🙂